My belief in God has been waning lately, probably because I am tired and um, not 20 anymore and I question everything anyway. Why is there so much suffering and sorrow in the world? Why are so many world leaders tyrannical despots? Why are so many children hungry?
But last Monday, I think God made a phone call. Yes, She uses Verizon. Let me explain.
I became a licensed foster mother in September 2005 and accepted my first placement in January 2006. I said "yes" to two adorable toddlers, a little boy whom I will call "R" and his older sister, "A." They were cute as can be and came to me late one night while I waited and waited and waited for them to show up. I thought it would be perfect - a boy and a girl. Hahaha!
They were wonderful little kids, of course, healthy and active. But also very full of energy and suddenly, it was like having a tornado in my apartment. I THOUGHT I was ready to be a parent, but I wasn't. Instead, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. With great sorrow and guilt, I confessed to the social worker that I didn't think I could care for the toddlers for the long-term. She said she understood. But the guilt killed me. I had SAID I wanted to be a mom and here I was, overwhelmed by two lovely kids? What kind of person was I?
The honest kind, it turns out. The toddlers and I did have lots of fun during the weeks they were with me, with some help from my great friend Karen. The kids and I went to Wendy's and to my office to run around. We watched lots of Teletubbies and read books and played games. I got them fed three meals a day (although I learned not to give them pudding without bibs) and got them down for 2-hour naps every day. They were sweet and funny. And when it was time for them to go, well, then I wanted them to stay.
But it was too late. It turns out they might not have been available for adoption and until the courts figured it out, the social workers wanted to send them back to the foster lady who had been their mom for the past 10 months. I cried when they left.
Within a few months, the Little Dude came into my life!!! And I realized that HE was the "right" child for me. HE was the "child of my heart." But I still hoped and prayed that A and R were okay.
Last year, I found out that they had been adopted! A and R were living with a lovely family in a nearby town and they also had another little girl. They were wonderful. Their adoptive parents were thrilled. They were with the right family.
Still, I thought about them, especially since Little Dude is at the age that R was when he stayed with me. I am used to toddlers now and wished I could go back and do it over.
Then God called. Last week, I was getting my foster-care license renewed. Although I don't intend to take in any kids now, I might in the next three years. So I renewed. The inspector and I started talking about R and A because she knew their adoptive family. I said I still missed them.
At that moment, the foster-care inspector's phone rang. It was R and A's adoptive mother!!! Calling to talk to her about something totally unrelated!!!!! (Now, you tell me that was just a coincidence.) The inspector put me on the phone with the mother, M.
She was SO glad to hear from me!! We talked at the same time as I tried to tell her some snippets of life with R and A when they were little (they didn't come to her until Fall 2006 - about 7 months after they left me). I tried to fill in some of the pieces. She told me both kids love to run and play, although A is still a girly-girl at times.
They are happy. They are loved. They are with the right parents.
It was time for me to stop feeling guilty. And all it took was a phone call to get that through my head:)
